my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
