How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
