Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I am spending my child support on dildos
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
