Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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