i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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