A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
