It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
