There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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