There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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