3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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