So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
