I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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