Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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