We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
