I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Everything about him screamed your future.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
