is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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