I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
