he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
How external is "for external use only"?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
