Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize