I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
