I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
