rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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