if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
