he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
