What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
