I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
