The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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