I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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