I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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