thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize