These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
