Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
