i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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