I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
