just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
