but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
