Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
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