I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
