I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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