She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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