Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I fill condoms, not promises.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
