I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I love having hate sex.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
