youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
