Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
