everyone is single if you try hard enough
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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