Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
