Kiss
Puke
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It's official drugs can't kill me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
