im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My dick has a subreddit
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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