and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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