The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
