My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
