Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
