sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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