Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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