eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize