Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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