just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
