Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If I die, sorry about rent.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
