you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
