Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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