You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
