i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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